Editors Note: October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Countywide & Sun Publisher, Suzie Campbell has shared her story a few times over the years, but this year she reached out to local organizations to see if there were others who were willing to share survivor stories. The following letter is part two of one survivor’s story. Part one can be found in the Oct. 20 edition of the Countywide & Sun.
The story found in this letter can be disturbing in nature but know that the abuse described is more common than most would like to think. The writer’s name is not used, nor are the names of the abusers.
As I started to travel, life was getting better. I found freedom I never had. I got sober (cold turkey). I didn’t want to be the person I was before, so I cleaned up and stayed sober.
I ended up in Michigan, and that is where I met my second child’s father. I was 20 yrs old with a carefree life. I was on top of my world, so when he came into my life, he treated me like gold. It was all fun and games until I became pregnant.
He told me to kick rocks, so I did and left. I went to work for another carnival and ended up in Louisville, KY. Little did I know, I would end up seeing him there.
I traveled with him to Oklahoma, and he gave me the ultimatum to stay in Oklahoma or go back where I came from (and that would have been Texas).
I chose to stay in Oklahoma, and that is where I met his parents. I lived with them until my daughter was born in 2004. He came home and got us a home of our own. He would only be home for six weeks out of the year during the winter time due to the carnival’s downtime.
Once my daughter started kindergarten, he decided to stay home permanently. During this time, there was a lot of fighting due to his cheating ways. I stayed so that I could give my daughter the life I never had.
I can’t recall when the fighting became physical, but I fought hard to keep my family together, so I endured the abuse. I sure wasn’t going back to Texas with my child.
I recall him physically abusing me to the point where he felt I was dead and when he turned his back on me, I’ll never forget I picked up a metal Dora folding chair, and I hit him with all my might.
At that moment, he knew I had enough. He realized I was too strong to break.
I remember the officers coming out and taking him to jail. I pressed charges against him. About two weeks later, his dad came to me and asked me to drop the charges, and I did for the sake of my family.
I had no idea that his parents were manipulating me and molding me to be what they wanted me to be. That, too, is a form of abuse that I wasn’t aware of.
Five years later, I ended up pregnant with my third child and the abuse continued. The only difference was that I stood my ground.
I would hit him before he could get to me. I refused to let him treat me as such not to ever again lay hands on me.
It wasn’t until he served me with divorce papers that I knew I had become an abuser.
I can recall being separated for a couple of years. I was doing great. I had found my independence, had my own home and a job I really love. Yet he was stalking me and making my life a living hell.
I was at a breaking point, and for whatever reason that I can’t recall, maybe it was for the girls, but we tried to reconcile the marriage.
It was good for a while. I had become a stay-at-home mom to his liking.
I found myself asking for money and being bullied again. He backed me up to a corner and told me he had me where he wanted me and, that I am doomed if I am and doomed if I’m not, that he could take my girls from me because I had no job and nowhere to take them.
While this whole time, he was still divorcing me, playing me to get what he wanted. I heard that still voice again, and I knew right then and there that I would have to leave Oklahoma like I had done with Texas. I signed the divorce papers under the condition that I get full custody and that I walk away from the house, the alimony, and the cars, and yet I had to leave my girls behind due to sharing custody with him.
He played me as a fool, but I didn’t know any better. I couldn’t afford a lawyer, and I didn’t have anybody to lean on or to stand up for me. So, I left Oklahoma in 2012.
I ended up back on the traveling carnival, and it took me to Florida. That is where I met my fourth child’s father.
By this time in my life, I felt that I was damaged goods, so no relationship ever came about with my son’s father. I was too guarded to let any man be a part of my life.
I stayed friends with my son’s father so that they could have a relationship.
It was nice to have my son in Florida in 2013 until I got a call in 2014 stating I had to be in Oklahoma to get my girls out of DHS custody.
I traveled back and forth for court dates until my son, and I could relocate to Oklahoma. I had nobody to lean on, so I called the only people I knew, and that was my ex-husband’s parents.
During this time I found out that he would be doing prison time, so the only way his parents would help me is if I agreed to let the girls see him, so I agreed. I worked hard to get the girls back. I allowed the girls to build a relationship with their father while in prison.
Never did I think twice about it. I also didn’t know that he would use his power and control to manipulate the girls to turn against me. By the time he got out of prison, the girls would stay with him on weekends. I found myself hurt and dumbfounded once again.
I was working two jobs and fell back into addiction but not of pills but of alcoholism. Little did I know that I traded one addiction for the other.
I was angry that the girls would prefer him than me, after all that I had done as a single mother, working my butt off to maintain a household of four just so the girls can be with him.
I projected my hurt and anger to the girls. I started to abuse them with the words out of my mouth for something they had not done but because of who their father was.
I didn’t understand why these girls would give him another chance. It wasn’t the girl’s fault, it was the fact that he had done so much damage, and yet I was the one to clean up his mess. I let my anger and addiction to alcohol get the best of me.
So the girls decided to go live with their father. They wanted nothing to do with me. What could I do? I pushed them away. All I had left was my son. I continued to move on with my life.
I sent my son to Florida for summer vacation so that I could evaluate my life. How did I come this far just to become an abuser of my words to my own family?
With that realization, I figured that I’ve done so much for others that I’d forgotten about myself.
I wanted to start dating. I never dated because I had the girls living with me, and I didn’t want to bring any men into the home due to protecting the girls because, nowadays you can’t put anything past anyone. So I stayed a single mother.
But now, being alone, I felt that I deserved to be happy for once in my life. I wanted to be loved and to love in a way I never thought I could.
To my surprise, there would be a man that would change my whole world and outlook on life. As we started to date, he showed me things that I never thought I would see out of a man.
I was so used to the abuse that I didn’t recognize what a true man was. A man that bought me flowers, just because. A man that baked me a cake from scratch for my birthday. He opened doors for me and gave me his coat just so I could be warm.
We would sing in the car and dance in the kitchen as if no one was watching. I’d never felt or seen this type of love before. He let me be myself without any judgment.
He would tell me that he would climb my walls for as long as he lives. He understood that I was a very guarded woman. Not one time did he push me to do something that I didn’t want to do. He has been very patient with me.
We had been dating for a few months when the girls came back into my life and seen a difference in my being. As I let the girls back into my life, they built a relationship with him which was great because I had never seen anything like that in my lifetime.
Time went by, and I would push him away and self-sabotage the relationship to the point that when I found out about his addiction to pills, I shut him out of my life.
We had been married for a couple of months by this time, but I wanted nothing to do with him because it brought back trauma and abuse from my past. I didn’t know how to react or respond. All I could do was run until I heard that still voice say, “forgive, we are not all perfect.”
It took me six months to get my thoughts together and understand that we all have issues with life.
I took him back, and for whatever reason, my girls did not like it. Maybe because they were used to it being just us four against the world.
I can honestly say it had a lot to do with my alcoholism and my past abuse. As I sit here with my husband, we are living our lives in recovery, being our support system and leaning on each other, fighting to get our children back from DHS.
When I first started this journey with Project: Safe and Patricia, I never thought I would have come this far. I walked in very hurt and angry.
How did I get myself into this? How did my life get turned upside down is what I kept asking myself over and over.
How could my own children (my girls) do this to me? Was I not good enough for them as a mother? What more did they want from me?
With realization and accountability, this was all my fault and doing, based on the choices I’ve made in life. If I knew what I know now, I wouldn’t be writing this letter.
You see, being the victim of DV (Domestic Violence), we tend to take on all the blame and internalize all emotions; when in reality, we are victims of our own choices.
I’ve learned the different types of abuse and also learned what an abuser is. I’ve also learned that there are different types of victims as well.
As I write this letter with the knowledge that Project Safe and Patricia has given me, I am honored to say that I am healing from my own trauma and past abuse.
I wanna thank Project: Safe and Patricia for giving me the tools to know and understand what abuse and victimization is, so that I can continue the healing process and hold myself accountable, and to continue applying what I learned in the future of all relationships.
I would like to help others through their trauma and healing as well, for I am not a victim but a survivor of life.
With Much Love 9-27-2022
